car shaking

Man, those Polish dudes love a good prank.



update: I can't read the comments on this one, because they're all in Polish, but things like "polskie świnie !!" and "ale chała...co to za parówy?!" -- combined with with monostar rating -- give me the impression they're not pleased. Maybe the guy in the video is some kind of national hero or is dead or something. By the way, that video hit the top 100 most viewed videos on YouTube (in the comedy category) that week I posted it.

But the Japanese (and general boobs enthusiasts) seem to have taken to this project a lot more enthusiastically.

"subtitling" project

Here's a stupid-ass project I thought up: find the most popular foreign language clips on YouTube, add subtitles, and re-post them as "SUBTITLED". The idea is mainly to confuse people.

T-shirt idea

Hitler alerts!

It seems CNN is offering e-mail alerts on somc current news topics.
I don't know about you, but I was having a lot of trouble keeping on top of all this fast-breaking Hitler news.

the future of air travel

... is going to be very awkward.

Bob Ayers, an associate fellow at Chatham House in London and vice president for homeland security for Selex Sensors & Airborne Systems of Italy, an arm of Finmeccanica SpA, said that "the best and optimal way to make sure no one carries something dangerous onto a plane is to make people fly naked and with no baggage."

(emphasis added)

Excellent advice in general

I was just poking around the BBC News site, reading about the heat wave that's melting pavement in the UK. The "Have Your Say" section solicits readers' answers to the question "How has the weather affected you?"

Best response, by far:

Sit outside on the shaded side of the house with a glass of ale and chat to passers-by.

-- Andrew Parr, Croydon, United Kingdom

Duane Reade sells bread

A very enticing pitch about the availability of bread at Duane Reade store #173.

Stereotypical crooks on the loose

We got this scary notice from the police department the other day saying there have been some burglaries in the neighborhood.





... so I'm keeping an eye out for this guy:

Have we learned nothing from H.P. Lovecraft?

According to this press release, the University of Calgary is sending researchers to investigate an "alien-like glacier" deep in the Arctic Circle.

Beauchamp discovered the spring in the mid-1990s when he noticed a yellow stain on the snow while passing over the Borup Fiord Pass in a helicopter. He eventually visited the site and noticed the strong smell of rotten eggs that indicated the presence of sulfur. Grasby then visited the in 1999 and 2001 and collected samples of the water and mineral deposits from the spring, which contained new forms of bacteria and an extremely rare mineral known as vaterite.

Somewhere, Cthulhu's laughter rings out.

Anal trivia

For lack of anything better to do, I was rummaging around on our company's intranet when I came across an archive of trivia questions that had been in the newsletter. Among them, this one:

Question: Which is the only planet in our solar system to rotate on its side?
Answer: Uranus

As it turns out, you can substitute "Uranus" for any answer and it's hilarious:

Question: What is the name of the cat in the smurfs?

Question: Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

Question: What animal is responsible for the most human deaths worldwide?

Attention Rebecca Gould

I got the most puzzling piece of e-mail at my work address. Is this some kind of spam? I've been racking my brains trying to remember if I know anyone named Rebecca Gould, and I'm pretty sure I do not. Anyway, if you're out there Rebecca, Coco Godebska is looking for you.

Hi R U [my name here], a friend of Rebecca Gould? If so please let her know that I am looking 4 her. My name is Coco Godebska.
thanx (or sorry 2 bother U)

bass wanted

I think there's an e-mail address in here somewhere, so if you're a bass player, you should e-mail this guy.

Unless of course you're a pussy.

"It's fun to have an orgasm"

One of the best subway rants I've ever seen.

Sound/video quality are quite poor -- had to shoot this with my cameraphone. After you watch, click in the comments for some transcribed highlights. It's funnier if you hear him first, though.

Shop-Vac vs. diaper

A while ago Shop-Vac invited people to send in their most creative uses for said vacuum, offering prizes and posting the best ideas on their website. I contributed this, kind of imagining myself as some farty old retiree:

My wife and I like to take a road trip every spring in our RV. Usually it's just the two of us, but last year our daughter decided to join us with our 8 month old grandson. All was well, until about halfway through Montana, when the poor kid came down with -- well, let's just say he had some intestinal distress. Now under most circumstances it wouldn't be too hard to deal with in a large, well equipped RV like ours, except for the fact that our daughter is very environmentally conscious and likes to use cloth diapers. Well, you can imagine that after a few hours of rather soft stools, the diaper situation was getting a bit hard to bear. My resourceful wife hit on a great idea: why not use a Shop-Vac to remove the bulk of the matter from the diaper -- from there on it would just be a fairly easy rinse. At the next Wal-Mart, we picked one up, and needless to say, it worked beautifully. In fact, the diapers were so much easier to clean that my daughter was hooked, and I went down to the Home Depot and bought her one when we took her home to St. Louis. She swears up and down that this is the ONLY way to deal with cloth diapers, and once her friends saw it a lot of them made the switch too.

Never heard anything back, which is weird. I would think that feces-handling ability would be a big selling point in a vacuum cleaner.

What the older woman ahead of me in line today at Conway was buying:

According to the register, she also bought something called "THONG W/ MESSAGE" but I wasn't quick enough with the cameraphone to catch it.

The President Needs Some Ribs

This is from a while ago, but I think it remains relevant today.

Remarks by the President to the Press Pool
Nothin' Fancy Cafe
Roswell, New Mexico

11:25 A.M. MST

THE PRESIDENT: I need some ribs.

Q: Mr. President, how are you?

THE PRESIDENT: I'm hungry and I'm going to order some ribs.

continued on the official White House website

Stay Free!

The Pranks issue of Stay Free! is out. One of the people on the cover is me.

I should point out that this was not an actual prank, but rather a photo shoot which was cleverly staged to simulate the appearance of a prank having just taken place. The effects technicians rented one of those expensive Hollywood pneumatic pie launching devices for the shot (no CGI here!) It uses a charge of highly compressed CO2 gas to propel the pie shell into the face at about 100 feet per second. Unfortunately, David's protective face mask slipped a little and he got a nasty little laceration across his forehead (ouch!) He was a trooper about it, though, and insisted we finish shooting before we put him into a cab down to St. Vincent's to get it closed up. Everyone on the set felt the authenticity was worth the bit of trouble. We think you'll agree.

Absolutely

I've been finding myself lately using the word "absolutely" as a response to questions.

someone: You want to get some falafel?
me: Absolutely.

It's a sign that I'm not qualifying, restricting, or limiting my response in any way whatsoever. Especially when it's about falafel.

Human resources

Here's something you can do in your office in the wintertime:

If someone in a nearby cubicle keeps coughing,
picture them having just taken a really massive bong hit.

Doody calls

New York's Governor Pataki underwent an emergency appendectomy last week. He's still in the hospital, apparently suffering some complications of the digestive system.

Good news, though — according to this story on WNYC,
Pataki's getting his groove back.

New Yorkers, get out your survival kits!

A BLIZZARD WARNING MEANS SEVERE WINTER WEATHER CONDITIONS ARE EXPECTED OR OCCURRING. FALLING AND BLOWING SNOW WITH STRONG WINDS AND POOR VISIBILITIES ARE LIKELY. THIS WILL LEAD TO WHITE-OUT CONDITIONS... MAKING TRAVEL EXTREMELY DANGEROUS. DO NOT TRAVEL. IF YOU MUST... HAVE A WINTER SURVIVAL KIT WITH YOU. IF YOU GET STRANDED... STAY WITH YOUR VEHICLE.

Blizzard watch!

Whiteout conditions! It's so exciting, THEY HAD TO PUT IT IN ALL CAPS!

CTZ009>012-NYZ071>081-102200-/O.CON.KOKX.BZ.A.0001.060211T1800Z-
060212T1700Z/SOUTHERN FAIRFIELD-SOUTHERN NEW HAVEN-SOUTHERN MIDDLESEX-SOUTHERN NEW LONDON-SOUTHERN WESTCHESTER-NEW YORK (MANHATTAN)-BRONX-RICHMOND (STATEN ISLAND)-KINGS (BROOKLYN)-QUEENS-NASSAU-
NORTHWESTERN SUFFOLK-NORTHEASTERN SUFFOLK-SOUTHWESTERN SUFFOLK-SOUTHEASTERN SUFFOLK-
1114 AM EST FRI FEB 10 2006

...BLIZZARD WATCH REMAINS IN EFFECT FROM SATURDAY AFTERNOON THROUGH SUNDAY MORNING...

A BLIZZARD WATCH REMAINS IN EFFECT FROM SATURDAY AFTERNOON THROUGH SUNDAY MORNING.

SNOW WILL BEGIN LATE SATURDAY AFTERNOON...AND BECOME HEAVY AT TIMES SATURDAY NIGHT. NORTHEAST WINDS WILL ALSO INCREASE SATURDAY NIGHT TO 25 TO 35 MPH WITH GUSTS UP TO 50 MPH...CAUSING BLIZZARD CONDITIONS ALONG WITH CONSIDERABLE BLOWING AND DRIFTING OF SNOW.

BY THE TIME THE SNOW ENDS LATE SUNDAY MORNING...ACCUMULATIONS SHOULD AVERAGE 8 TO 12 INCHES...WITH LOCALLY HIGHER AMOUNTS POSSIBLE. THE HIGHEST TOTALS ARE MOST LIKELY TO OCCUR IN AND NEAR NEW YORK CITY...AND ACROSS WESTERN LONG ISLAND.

A BLIZZARD WATCH MEANS THERE IS A POTENTIAL FOR FALLING AND OR BLOWING SNOW WITH STRONG WINDS AND EXTREMELY POOR VISIBILITIES. THIS CAN LEAD TO WHITEOUT CONDITIONS AND MAKE TRAVEL VERY DANGEROUS.

I don't think we're in Pflugerville anymore.

Another tale from the annals of the University of Texas, Austin. I'm growing quite fond of the extreme gyrations of language the writer employs to keep this blotter PG-13.

JESTER CENTER EAST, 203 East 21st Street
Public Intoxication: A UT student, who was under the age of 21, was found “slouched over in a chair” that was located in the lobby of the dormitory. The student was not aware of his location and stated he believed he was in Pflugerville, Texas. At one point the student stated he was “in another realm.” The student was found to be under the influence of an alcoholic beverage to the point he was a physical endangerment to himself. While walking to a patrol car, the student stated he believed he needed to exhibit an extreme involuntary physical reaction to the over-consumption of an alcoholic beverage. Upon walking the student to an area where he could perform such reaction, it was learned that he needed to perform another bodily function so he asked one of the officers to unzip his britches (pants). The police will provide a variety of services…this is not one of them. Occurred on 01-31-06 at 11:30 PM.

The hobbits of Staten Island

really know how to party.

Uncrustables, part II

I was thinking some more about Uncrustables (see this post) when it occurred to me that they really should use the Smiths song "Unlovable" for their commercial. It would open with:

I know they're Uncrustable,
You don't have to tell me...
Message received, loud and clear.

then the real kicker:

They have no crust on the outside,
Just delicious PBJ on the inside.

Random image of the day

courtesy of Google Image Search

Hello, my name is Pig.

From the always delightful UT Austin campus police blotter.
In this edition, "T" aborts a mid-morning wheel heist when confronted by an irate barber.

Theft: An employee of the Wooten barber Shop flagged down a University of Texas Police Officer after he observed an unidentified subject remove the front tire to a bicycle that was secured to a pole by the roadway. The employee exited the barber shop to confront the subject who abandoned the front tire and fled the area. The subject was described as a white male, 5’11” tall, 170 pounds, dark hair, a mustache and goatee wearing a black leather jacket with metal spikes and a pair of handcuffs hanging from it, a blue t-shirt with the words “Hello, My name is Pig” on the front of the shirt and a knit cap. An acquaintance of the subject who was still in the area, stated she only knew the subject by the name of “T.” Occurred on 01-17-06 at 9:52AM.

Bizarre roadblock

Another on-air TV news graphic from my anonymous source.
I'm intrigued -- what was this roadblock? And exactly how bizarre was it?

"Rory Lockwood" is good too

The "from" names spammers come up with are so clever, I can't bring myself to empty out my spam folder.

"Nutmeat"

hypothetical conversation:

"Hey, what are you eating?"

"Oh, just this salad thing I got at the health food place"

"Yeah, but what's it called?"

"Uhh. It's some kind of, umm, nut thing. I can't remember the name."

"It looks like nutmeat."

"What?"

"It's called 'nutmeat'. Nut. Meat."

(long pause)

"Don't tell anybody, okay?"

Uncrustables

I just became aware of these.



If Smucker's is to be believed (and they've never lied to me before) these sealed, frozen peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are not merely "crust-resistant", but completely uncrustable.

---

My official biography

can be found at http://www.officialdamian.com/about-Damian.html

Here's something I bet you didn't know:

At the age of 18, Damian finally escaped Romania on foot, with nothing but the clothes on his back and his pan flute. Damian made his way across Yugoslavia in four days and four nights, encountering blinding storms, treacherous mountains, hostile border checkpoints and land mines until reaching his desired destination, Greece.

Slang that will never make it into common usage

I'm on it like Con Ed.

Law and Order

It's supposed to rain today -- good weather to do some coloring...

...Law and Order style!

I suspect Eeyore

Our Austin, Texas correspondent provides this excerpt from University of Texas campus police blotter:

UNIVERSITY TEACHING CENTER, 105 West 21st Street
Criminal Mischief: For two days in a row, an unknown subject left a “Winnie the _________” on the ground of a walled-in trash enclosure located on the west side of the building. Removal of that subject’s concept of refuse created a substantial inconvenience for the UT Staff member responsible for maintaining this area. Evidence was not gathered by the officer. Removal cost: $10.00. Reported on 01-04-06 at 9:00 AM.

Note the wry observation that "evidence was not gathered".

And who doesn't...

...love incredible experiences in their lap?

A glob-viewing

In a bit of a hyphenation frenzy, I tried to type the phrase "blog-viewing" (as in: "I'll put that into my blog-viewing rotation") into an e-mail. My computer helpfully offered the following suggestions:



Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to get over to my shrink for a blot-viewing.
(Rorschach, naturally.)

Gruesome find

Another fine on-air news graphic from my anonymous friend. This one is going onto my refrigerator, since more often than not, there's a gruesome find in there somewhere.

The evolutionary turducken

If I were a high school biology teacher, I would use a kind of turducken to teach about evolution. But instead of a chicken inside a duck inside a turkey, it would be like, a pig with a turkey inside it, which would be stuffed with a lizard containing a frog wrapped around a fish stuffed with a bunch of bacteria.

Of course, in the interest of giving equal time to "intelligent design", we would have to come up with some kind of TurJesus-ucken -- maybe some kind of loaf/fish/ghost combo.

Your basement may be on fire right now.

A friend of mine who works at a TV station passed along
this frightening on-air graphic.

Overheard near the microwave at my office

Guy #1 is taking a couple of huge sausages out of the microwave.

Guy #2: Wha'cha got there?
Guy #1: Homemade sausage my mom made.
Guy #2: Oh, yeah. My dad's a sausage-maker too.

“Total Eagle?”

I don't have a proper introduction to this, how do you say, "blog", nor is the story behind the name "Total Eagle" particuarly interesting. (Think of it as a placeholder for a real name) So I'm just going to start right in.