Hello, my name is Pig.

From the always delightful UT Austin campus police blotter.
In this edition, "T" aborts a mid-morning wheel heist when confronted by an irate barber.

Theft: An employee of the Wooten barber Shop flagged down a University of Texas Police Officer after he observed an unidentified subject remove the front tire to a bicycle that was secured to a pole by the roadway. The employee exited the barber shop to confront the subject who abandoned the front tire and fled the area. The subject was described as a white male, 5’11” tall, 170 pounds, dark hair, a mustache and goatee wearing a black leather jacket with metal spikes and a pair of handcuffs hanging from it, a blue t-shirt with the words “Hello, My name is Pig” on the front of the shirt and a knit cap. An acquaintance of the subject who was still in the area, stated she only knew the subject by the name of “T.” Occurred on 01-17-06 at 9:52AM.

Bizarre roadblock

Another on-air TV news graphic from my anonymous source.
I'm intrigued -- what was this roadblock? And exactly how bizarre was it?

"Rory Lockwood" is good too

The "from" names spammers come up with are so clever, I can't bring myself to empty out my spam folder.

"Nutmeat"

hypothetical conversation:

"Hey, what are you eating?"

"Oh, just this salad thing I got at the health food place"

"Yeah, but what's it called?"

"Uhh. It's some kind of, umm, nut thing. I can't remember the name."

"It looks like nutmeat."

"What?"

"It's called 'nutmeat'. Nut. Meat."

(long pause)

"Don't tell anybody, okay?"

Uncrustables

I just became aware of these.



If Smucker's is to be believed (and they've never lied to me before) these sealed, frozen peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are not merely "crust-resistant", but completely uncrustable.

---

My official biography

can be found at http://www.officialdamian.com/about-Damian.html

Here's something I bet you didn't know:

At the age of 18, Damian finally escaped Romania on foot, with nothing but the clothes on his back and his pan flute. Damian made his way across Yugoslavia in four days and four nights, encountering blinding storms, treacherous mountains, hostile border checkpoints and land mines until reaching his desired destination, Greece.

Slang that will never make it into common usage

I'm on it like Con Ed.

Law and Order

It's supposed to rain today -- good weather to do some coloring...

...Law and Order style!

I suspect Eeyore

Our Austin, Texas correspondent provides this excerpt from University of Texas campus police blotter:

UNIVERSITY TEACHING CENTER, 105 West 21st Street
Criminal Mischief: For two days in a row, an unknown subject left a “Winnie the _________” on the ground of a walled-in trash enclosure located on the west side of the building. Removal of that subject’s concept of refuse created a substantial inconvenience for the UT Staff member responsible for maintaining this area. Evidence was not gathered by the officer. Removal cost: $10.00. Reported on 01-04-06 at 9:00 AM.

Note the wry observation that "evidence was not gathered".

And who doesn't...

...love incredible experiences in their lap?

A glob-viewing

In a bit of a hyphenation frenzy, I tried to type the phrase "blog-viewing" (as in: "I'll put that into my blog-viewing rotation") into an e-mail. My computer helpfully offered the following suggestions:



Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to get over to my shrink for a blot-viewing.
(Rorschach, naturally.)

Gruesome find

Another fine on-air news graphic from my anonymous friend. This one is going onto my refrigerator, since more often than not, there's a gruesome find in there somewhere.

The evolutionary turducken

If I were a high school biology teacher, I would use a kind of turducken to teach about evolution. But instead of a chicken inside a duck inside a turkey, it would be like, a pig with a turkey inside it, which would be stuffed with a lizard containing a frog wrapped around a fish stuffed with a bunch of bacteria.

Of course, in the interest of giving equal time to "intelligent design", we would have to come up with some kind of TurJesus-ucken -- maybe some kind of loaf/fish/ghost combo.

Your basement may be on fire right now.

A friend of mine who works at a TV station passed along
this frightening on-air graphic.

Overheard near the microwave at my office

Guy #1 is taking a couple of huge sausages out of the microwave.

Guy #2: Wha'cha got there?
Guy #1: Homemade sausage my mom made.
Guy #2: Oh, yeah. My dad's a sausage-maker too.

“Total Eagle?”

I don't have a proper introduction to this, how do you say, "blog", nor is the story behind the name "Total Eagle" particuarly interesting. (Think of it as a placeholder for a real name) So I'm just going to start right in.